Random Thoughts: A Meandering Mind

A Meandering Mind

A Meandering Mind

Melissa Dallago

?Begin here,? touched me in a way that I didn?t think possible.? In reading the opening words from Journals of Solitude by May Sarton, I took the phrase as her invitation to enter into the inner workings of her brilliant mind.? As I was reading the book I kept a pencil in hand and lined around certain phrases and sentences that captured my attention, and then at the end of each journal entry I would jot down my thoughts and reactions to those phrases. Some of the parts of the book that touched me include: ?For a long time now, every meeting with another human being has been a collision.? I feel too much, sense too much, am exhausted by the reverberations after even the simplest conversation.? But the deep collision is and has been my unregenerate, tormenting and tormented self.? I have written every poem, every novel, for the same purpose ? to find out what I think, to know where I stand.? I am unable to become what I see.? I feel like an inadequate machine, a machine that breaks down at crucial moments, grinds to a dreadful halt? or, even worse, explodes in some innocent person?s face.?? (12) ??????????? My response: ??????????? I too feel like a difficult and impossible person sometimes.? I long to be with people, don?t necessarily know how to act around them as I don?t always understand their motives. ??At such times I really feel as if my head were going to burst and there is no doubt that the tantrum itself is a release.? But it is paid for very heavily in guilt and shame.? ?Anger is a short madness,? says Horace?? (28) ??????????? My response: ??????????? Anger is a sign that something is wrong and, if it is channeled properly, anger can be used as a means to spring someone into action to discover the cause and fix the problem.? Anger may be a short madness, but it does have its purposes. ?I woke in tears this morning.? I wonder whether it is possible at nearly sixty to change oneself radically.? Can I learn to control resentment and hostility, the ambivalence, born somewhere far below the conscious level?? If I cannot, I shall lose the person I love.? There is nothing to be done but go ahead with life moment by moment and hour by hour??? (33) ??????????? My response: ??????????? I too feel depressed for no apparent reason.? Sometimes my feelings are too intense.? The volume control on my emotions gets cranked up way too loud, and they are all can I hear.? It is during those times that I must live second by second, step by step, like someone attempting to navigate a frozen lake, carefully stepping along for fear of causing a crack and falling into the frigid water. ?Love is one of the great enlargers of the person because it requires us to ?take in? the stranger and to understand him, and to exercise restraint and tolerance as well as imagination to make the relationship work.? If love includes passion, it is more explosive and dangerous and forces us to go deeper.?? (93) ??????????? My response: ??????????? Relationships are a challenge, and this sentiment is very true.? Passionate love is an incendiary device waiting to explode.? A mixture of fire and ice is best; a love that has a slow burn stands the test of time. ?And in a strange way laughter has the same effect.? We are able to laugh when we achieve detachment, if only for a moment.?? (99) ??????????? My response: ??????????? Laughter is going insane for one moment, yet by going insane, we stay sane. ?We cannot afford not to fight for growth and understanding, even when it is painful, as it is bound to be.?? (148) ??????????? My response: ??????????? There is growth in suffering.? As you suffer you experience emotions and learn lessons that add layers and depth to your soul.? Instead of one monochromatic color, there is depth, shading, lightness, oblique angles that add to the painting.? How interesting it is to view a person that has such depth and beauty to the painting of their soul. ?Life is an artist, and we are its canvas. ?I feel a bit firmer now.? It always comes back to the same necessity: go deep enough and there is a bedrock of truth, however hard.? It looks as if I were ?meant? to be alone, and that any hope of happiness is not meant.?? (150) ??????????? My response: ??????????? Happiness is an activity; you must be involved in it daily.? I too suffer from neurotic pangs of worry and guilt, self-denial, castigating myself over every word I say, thought I think, and reaction instead of action, that I partake in.? I am my own worst enemy.? I find that when I simply stand still all of my fears, doubts and self-recriminations fall away, and I realize that I am sane, whole and a beautiful loving being, shining and vibrant.? And then as I take a step those engines of self-doubt start again.? That noise is the symphony of my soul, it makes me who I am, but oh those moments of standing still are my bedrock and are divine. With respect to solitude, I agree with Sarton that no man is an island, but he certainly needs one small place where he can retire to reflect, ponder and process life?s lessons and any troubles that may be bothering him.? I find that I am at my best after I have had those moments of solitude.? I emerge feeling refreshed and ready to immerse myself in the waves of life.? If for some reason I am not able to have those moments of solitude, whether it be through interruptions or personal responsibilities keeping me from it, I become extremely frustrated and agitated. I delight in writing as it provides me with an opportunity to allow my mind to wander as I write down my thoughts.? I love watching my writing develop from a single thought that connects to another and another, and the next thing I know I have written something that is rich in my insight and experience.? My writing is evidence of my struggle for self-improvement and creativity.? Writing is a means of connecting the dots, learning about myself, and developing my feelings and opinions of the world around me.? I often feel a release after I have written something.? Sarton said it best with the following: ?My own belief is that one regards oneself, if one is a serious writer, as an instrument for experiencing.? Life ? all of it ? flows through this instrument and is distilled through it into works.? How one lives as a private person is intimately bound into the work.? And at some point I believe one has to stop holding back for fear of alienating some imaginary reader or real relative or friend, and come out with personal truth.? If we are to understand the human condition, and if we are to accept ourselves in all the complexity, self-doubt, extravagance of feeling, guilt, joy, the slow freeing of the self to its full capacity for action and creation, both as human being and as artist, we have to know all we can about each other, and we have to be willing to go naked.?? (77) ??????????? Overall, I feel that Journal of Solitude starts off well, but after a while Sarton?s writing begins to lack substance.? The insightful life lessons that were the highlights for me became less frequent and more muddled as Sarton gets lost on the roads of her mind.? It began to feel like a laundry list of gardening, trips, lectures and her ongoing struggle between wanting solitude and engaging in life.? A part of me wanted to reach through the pages and shake her and tell her to go out and live in the world for once; Nelson and her solitude will always be there, but life is happening while you sit here impotently longing to be engaged in it.? Sarton is a highly talented writer that does make you think about your own life, but in the end I almost felt pity for her for choosing solitude over people?s company.? In conclusion, Sarton allowed her thoughts to meander through her journal, and in reading it mine did as well.?

Source: http://marniejade1999.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-meandering-mind.html

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